Dad Dream June 5, 2013
I haven’t had an emotional type cry in a long time -- in fact, the last was when I found out I had cancer. Once there was some kind of game plan I had been in game mode, tackling the hurdles in front of me with purpose, with strength of people behind me, with calm. Ok, so chemo brain is making more forgetful. There are other moments like when I passed the license exam in between mastectomy and chemo, seeing my hubby graduate, watching my son dance to a Peruvian song that I used to see in my dad and my step-mom’s house (It’s a drum and flute one that is a happy song that makes you feel the beat of the earth and make you want to dance).
This morning I woke up with tears and crying -- a happy cry filled with such vividness and realness that I felt like I was waking up and going to go talk with the people in my dream. The people in my dream were my dad and my step-mom. I woke right after hugging my dad so warmly and tightly. I woke up forgetting my dad died 11 years ago.
My hubby asked how I slept and I told him. He wanted to know about the dream, but I was scared I’d forget so I told him I’m going to write it down first:
In my dream my siblings and I were at my dad’s house. He was calm. He was peaceful. He was filled with purpose. He and my step mom were clearing out the house in a calm fashion. They told us that they decided they were going to sell the house, so we all jumped in and started helping them clean up the house. Most of the dream was about cleaning up the house and ridding it of clutter -- just keeping things that they wanted in a lighter style of life that would give them quality of life. I remember one of the last items was some sort of outside television unit that seemed ahead of its time. We wondered if it worked. It worked and I asked if I could keep it, so we all brought it out to the front of the house together. My dad seemed so happy.
Then randomly some of his friends that I did not know showed up. They were all sitting in the living room together on two adjacent sofas, talking. I started to ask where he and my step mom wanted to move to (they lived in San Mateo, CA) and my step-mom came in and said ‘San Francisco’. They found a place not too far from shopping, the concerts in the park, the zoo, the beach. They wanted to enjoy these things by walking to these places. My dad had this big smile. You can tell he felt this was right and he was looking forward to simple pleasures. This was huge. See, we had spent the last decade of his life trying to convince him into just enjoying simple pleasures -- but back then he reverted to the bottle and most of the time for a while he was not alert, asleep with a different type of dream and us waiting til that wave passed so that we could talk about why he chose that path. But in the dream, he looked like he gave up drinking, he was proud that he could make this decision, he was truly happy. I walked over to him and gave him a big, long hug in which I can feel the rise and fall of his breathing, the warmth of his skin, the calmness in his way. I said to everyone “THIS is my father” meaning this is the father I know, love, and believe. Then I woke up. Smiling. Happy. Though I had an OMG moment, forgetting for that split second that he was not on this earth, I felt at peace knowing he’s at peace.
NOTE: my son’s music class has been dancing to one of Peruvian songs I remember dancing to in my dad’s house with my step-mom. I’m filled with such happiness when I see him dance and have this song in his experience. Each time I want to also jump out of my seat and dance (I stay cool, but I’m dancing inside:). After I wrote this, I posted these links below and I was so happy to share it, and it was also a great opportunity to talk about Peruvian music, and the pictures in the last link
Here’s one I found on youtube of El Condor Pasa...thinking of my step-mom :)
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